Alright so a few years ago I feel away from God I did some stupid things that I'm still not completely comfortable with talking about. At this time I was searching not only for a purpose but also for love and something that I've never had before. At the time I couldn't care less about God I didn't think that He cared or was even real it felt almost like I was living a lie for so long.
I felt really stupid I would hear on a daily basis that I was ugly, fat, worthless, pathetic and a million other things. On top of that my parents were fighting we almost lost our house and I didn't know what to do so I went with what I knew in my heart, I prayed. I couldn't feel God, I couldn't see Him but I knew in my heart that all the things I heard weren't true and He was there waiting for me so I prayed.
I said God if you're real and you are here please let me know that you care. And then that night I saw a bible verse, I didn't really think much of it and after seeing it so many times that week it got annoying. And then a few days later I prayed the same thing over again after seeing that verse and not thinking twice about it. I asked God one last time "please just let me know that you are here." And later that night I watched the movie Soul Surfer and I don't like that movie like at all but something came over me to watch it and as soon as I turned it on they were talking about only seeing a part of the picture and not the full picture and then the verse popped up again which is
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.
At that moment it finally clicked in my head, that God is with me He really truly cares and loves me with everything. I still have my insecurities but what teenage girl doesn't? My parents have been together for 19 years in August. That's just one way God blessed me and then after all that happened other things happened and I doubted myself I basically hated myself I thought I was the ugliest, the stupidest and worthless. and within all of that I wanted more of God and wanted to know my purpose in life so that I could stop hating myself and start living for God and doing what He wanted.
And at youth camp last year on the last night the pastor was talking about purpose and calling and I have always had a place in my heart for ministry and he asked if anyone had a calling for ministry to come up to the alter so I went up and started praying and one of the leaders came up to me and asked me what was going on and I didn't tell her the everything I just said that I felt called into the ministry and I wanted God to open up to me so she started praying and it wasn't her anymore it was all God and He told me "You don't need to know whats 22 steps ahead of you, you just need to know whats happening now and keep your hope in me because I have your future in my hands." I burst into tears gave her a huge hug and she walked away and then came back. And said "I don't know if this has anything to do with you but God wants me to let you know that you are beautiful." And then God stepped through and said "Daughter look at all I have made, look at the trees, look at the flowers, and the sky. Why do you doubt in yourself? Automatically I started crying God's presence was so near and so surreal. That is the night I surrendered my life to Christ.
And then later that night after service I felt God still tugging on my heart so I went up on a hill and started praying and I heard Him tell me. "Ashton, you are to build up a church and be the leader of that church." At first I was like what? Me? Yeah right?! But after my encounter with Him earlier I knew not to doubt Him. Of course I prayed constantly about it, still do and then it finally dawned on me that a church isn't the building its the people inside of the building that makes the church, the body of Christ. And then a few months of praying and fasting I felt God telling me to go into youth ministry. Not just in the future but now because who is better to reach to teenagers then one of them?
I also have a huge burden on my heart for girls that feel worthless and think that they aren't pretty enough, just to let them know that they are beautiful and try and help them find their identity in Christ.
